In light of present day,

repeated once more.

2009-04-07T17:58:50Z

etched firmly within, yet a million thoughts rendered them unfamiliar.
pockets of truth sealed away in the abyss of our endless mind,
captured, frozen forever as memories.

the irony of it all, the more we think about the past, the more thoughts of the present cloud our perception. we try to recall, but slowly time erodes them all. we recall about how we used to recall. we remembered how we forgot.

until the end, we only have a fraction of all that happened. the rest was only meant for the present which became the past.

caches of photos in my computer, most unsorted, many unnamed.
yet each of them tells a story that are forever a thing of the past.
of happiness; of achievements; of joy and moments of excitement
but only half a life has been written onto photographs, forged from memories.
the ugly half was never revealed.

i looked at them, and i saw the chapters of my life summarised before me, they were all beautiful but i cannot feel the exact same feelings anymore. just a lingering sensation of pride and joy, then they slowly slipped away, replaced by the uncertainty of the future.

we live in the now, and every past was once a present. every present was hoped to be a good future. and life plays out like that, into the very chapters of a unique book of your life. if we can only remember mostly on how we forget all the time, then what do we really forget? did we really forget all of them, or have they became a part of who we are? the identity and the principles we abide by.

and when we take the time to snap a photo, of a brilliant smile, so that we can remember them by, will the ugly half be lost forever? we choose to forget the things we deemed ugly, but arent they the ones etched deepest and hurt strongest?

i looked at them, and i couldnt help but sorted them alittle. and smiled for all that they are worth.
and i can only wish to continue adding to this collection; because no matter how, both halves will be played out; the beautiful half forged on photos, the ugly imprinted into our hearts.
i will live my life chasing my dreams, looking for that future where my present is complete, so my past will be a spectrum; a spectrum worth remembering how i have forgotten.

looking forward.

2009-04-06T14:25:30Z

so besides a whole week of missing you, i had made much progress with everything random. in lieu of my enlistment (finally), i am willing to take as much time as i can to do the things that i love. and that means a majority of my time with you.
and a whole lot more of rushing through the things i want to get done. this attitude has brought me far, and i believe its an essential attribute, to be steadfast and proactive.

when you were away, i had begun to make running a routine for me. it changes my concept of life, no matter how small it may be. to make that effort to do something never before done in my comfort zone, venturing into the unknown, to me, was a brave feat.

especially when the effects can only be felt in the long term, we always give up on doing that that seems so abstract because of the short-term ineffectiveness.

it was difficult for me at first, there were so many more things more interesting to do and the first few times just seemed odd. so i ran and ran badly, and though i seriously thought it was impractical without motivation in the beginning, i began to slowly realise the impact on my stamina. well, it may not be awesome but its definitely improving.

now watching 24 just seemed so intertwined with all this too. a day always seemed so short, yet when i watched 24, it made sense that we should be doing so much more. the complex relationship between people, the cause and effect, has been greatly emphasised in this drama and it got me moving sometimes. an hour can change someone else's life, i can definitely change my own.

army days are closing in, and i am in no doubt looking forward to it. though much will be missed, the routines i had grown affectionately with, the days spent with you like we are meant to be forever, i have to get out there and make sure i bag them all in. i have only one main mission in mind, and that's to come back to your arms a much better and happier person out of it. because i was once there, and because this is essential for me.

when a deadline has been issued, our instincts tend to become sharper. we open our eyes, we move faster.
yet we seldom see what's beyond when a marker has already been placed.
look far away, beyond what we can all see, because that's where i am heading to.

falling down.

2009-04-04T14:43:01Z

i have certainly came a long way through hell, it seems.

falling down has never been so difficult before. i got mad at myself, i got mad at everyone else, i talked to myself aloud, i cried. it was surreal, and i was a mess. all i could muster was a brave front, a facade of happiness and goofiness.

before it all happened, everyday was like a routine, everyday i had a dream, a duty to fulfill. i was at the top of my game, the life i had everyone could only envy, i thought i had it all. i was overconfident. positions were entrusted to me, i loved those moments, of being part of the grandeur that is my life. it had blinded me.

the straight path finally came to a blur. it wasnt a downhill spine transfer, it was a slow and painful descend the very moment i realised i was given four months of nothingness, no dreams, no duty. but it all got worse when i realised i had failed a major sitting, it became unbearable when the friends i thought i knew became different and distasteful . it became meaningless when the last person i sought guidance from chose to give me up.

i had nothing left to hold on to, my identity was lost. my ego was shattered. but what was worse, was not the results of my ignorance and complacency that was presented infront of me, it was the true faces that begun to unfold, the people whom i thought were always beside me pacing with me to a happy ending.

when despair hit the very core of my soul, i was alone. this was when i see it all. the straight path i always thought i was bumming through multiplied. it was written all over everyone else, they had their very own lives to brag, to dream, to be envied. noone had any time to slow down, to sympathise, to hold the hands of others. i realise the true nature of humanity, the ugly side of it all. while i burned inside almost everyday, they bragged, they criticised, they spoke only about themselves, they were, after all, still at the top of their games.

is it only through failure, true disastrous failure, that i realise the venom of others seeping through my very skin? has it been there all the time, yet i was only oblivious because i had my own immunity and counter-venom? now i am powerless have i begun to whine?

this straight path has lost its meaning, my life had always been only mine, and that path was never meant to be shared. i was a mere pawn in their conquest for power, i was just a pitiful evidence that they are greater. i was a basis for comparison. and i finally learnt to resent it. how can anyone ever experience such treachery and be smiling at the end of such paralysis, while they proceed to knock down the rest of your dominoes?

luckily for the lack of opportunities to meet, for the silver lining which are their everlasting commitments, i had the remnants of my four months revaluing and reestablishing the basis of this life. this hell is abstract and noone will ever understand, but it is my duty to right my own wrong.

this bitterness i have been feeling must end, the attitudes and words maybe beyond my handling, yet i cannot proceed to expose my weakness again. i cannot outwit and outlast my own friends, because that is a horrible thing to consider. but i can outwit myself, and this may well be the only solution left for my salvation. i used to be at the top of my game, but now i know what lies beneath, something i never ever want to visit again for the rest of my life.

i will write my own story once more, with such fervour there is not regret. i will climb from the depths of hell and push myself beyond the obstacles. there had never been any straight path, it was just an easy path i didnt know i was forging by myself. i could do it then, i will get it back now.

i hope this pain is over, because i dont think i can take it any longer. i will not just stand up from this fall, i will run. so that i will only be standing up when its time to stop and enjoy the handiwork which i have crafted by myself.

(because you have been there throughout and never once let go, i chose to not give up, but it had really been a terrible dark phase. thank you for everything, baby. it will never happen again, for you too know that the storm has passed.)